It is very important to read this post first…. Ok, great. It was one year ago yesterday that we had Trey’s funeral. So there we…were, having “dealt” with death but being daunted by life. I’m not real sure about how we “dealt” with death other than having gone through the process up to that point. Granted, dealing with death is a lifelong (weird word transition there) process but surviving what you had feared/prepared for/wondered about for so long is an accomplishment.
The other day I posted about the fact that we are, starting with the one year anniversary of his passing, better off than one year earlier. That being said, we are all dealing with “it” differently. We talked about this the other night at The CaringPlace. At our worst (for lack of a much better term) …I cramp up trying to figure it all out. Rachel looks at life sees what needs to be done and goes after it. Joe is somewhat afraid of feelings but trusts us enough to let us in and we can talk about it. Bella is, well Bella, sad…angry…fine. Whereas grief is no longer viewed as a straight line process (it is much more of a spiral that goes from up in your grill piece to farther away…but is always there), we are never done with it.
I came across a moment of clarity the other day. I mentioned that I “cramp up” mentally trying to figure out all that needs to be comforted and whatnot. I finally got to a point of simplicity and said to myself, “What do you need?” What I have been taught, and my own words here, came back to me. First, trust that God knows your needs and will meet them. Place your expectations on Him and not others. Second, speak openly/honestly/and with vulnerability as to what your needs are and finally mutually give to meet those needs. These truths are very much for people in a relationship and specifically for those nearest and dearest to you. However, they do apply to all relationships in general.
So, I asked myself (having a general assumption that God does know my needs and I don’t dump my expectations on any one person but rather I lay them at His feet…from time to time anyhow), “What do I want? What do I need?” I came up with the fact that I would love to talk with my immediate family (those who emotionally can and/or desire to) and tell stories regarding the week of Trey’s passing and all that went into it. Ironically, some of them are reading about this for the very first time. There are a ton of stories and memories that some have that others have no idea about. If someone doesn’t want to be there/can’t emotionally bear the thought, it’s ok to not be there. So, in the very near future that is exactly what we are going to do (of course I ran it past Rachel first…she’s down…as in “in favor of” it). It’s great doing this in general at The CaringPlace but I look forward to hearing my family’s stories.
I shared with Joe and Bella the other morning that the only feeling you need to avoid is the one that you experience alone. Even the worst of the worst is made much better when shared. However, the greatest of all emotions leads to loneliness when not shared with anyone. Thus, this will not only be good for me but for all involved. Good, healing, solid, right. So, we continue to deal with life. However, we continue to “deal with death” on a continual basis, each of us in our own way and yet all together as well.
ps-things are going to lighten up post wise in the next few entries. Just saying.