I’m in church and it’s the last worship song before I preach…this past Sunday. We are singing Amazing Grace/My Chains Are Gone. It has happened before and it happened again…boom, the Holy Spirit, God, Intimacy. As the words, “My chains are gone I’ve been set free…” roll off my tongue I can’t help but see Trey running in heaven (for whatever reason it’s always an open field with trees on the left side). Now, and not that you would, before you say, “Jay, you’re missing the intended metaphor for the chains.” I get it. However, to me in this moment, the chains are the disease, the tubes, the IV, the port, the IV stand, the medications, the horrific latex bandages and subsequent allergic reaction burns, the pain, the limits, all of it. He HAS been set free.
Or has he? Which is it? One year later (and potentially every day really) we are called to a deeper level of faith. Do we really believe he is in a better place? Is he really healed of cancer “on the other side”? I mean…really? These questions also came to me as I sang along this past Sunday. As I boldly came to the firm conclusion of “yes” and visualized his pure and perfect body I no longer teared but simply began to weep. What a beautiful sight, my boy free and clear of all that he, for the most part, was unaware of in the very first place. He battled it for many reasons and to varying levels of awareness but now, is free.
Mumford and Sons has a song, Not With Haste that has the lyrics, “…we will be who we are, they will heal our scars, sadness will be far away.” They meant so much to me as Trey battled. Now, they comfort me.
A dear friend, really more like my 4th sister, texted me yesterday saying that she had just reread a post from one year ago just before Trey had passed. We texted back and forth for a minute but I was left with an amazing revelation. I am very glad to be where I am right now. I mean, as compared to one year ago. While I am not free and clear from pain/suffering/sadness, …sheesh compared to one year ago? I can’t imagine going through all of that again.
So, it’s one year later. Yep. One year. More faith, been through an awful lot, not done yet. One year.