“I had a nice interaction with Bella the other day.” my good friend Eric told me. He had been changing the church sign and some of the kids were outside with him. He went on to tell me that even though she told everyone that she got this stick down out of a tree that it, in fact was he, who had gotten it down. I replied, “Who ended up with the stick Eric? It seems that she got YOU to get it down didn’t she?” He replied in a lower voice, “She got it down…she got me to get it down.” Yep, my little girl always in control, or trying to control.
That, for the most part is how Mitlo’s roll. I come from a long line of folks who like to be in charge, like to be leaders, like to be aware and abreast of all that is in their world. My first recollection of this was my grandfather who was the oldest of 7 kids and the only one in management. He was the consummate boss. He would fire anybody, and everybody. He fired my grandmother 7x/day at least. The first thing he’d do when he saw me was to fire me (most often for not wearing socks and shoes but also for sitting too close to the tv). We have been in litigation for years with Donald Trump for stealing Big Joe Mitlo’s tagline. Yep, he was in control.
I’m no different. Oh, I’d like to think that I rely upon the Holy Spirit for quite a bit and will even let things fail if it’s teaching someone how valuable they are or that they need to contribute to make things successful but even then I’M controlling the situation. Yes, I was blessed with a 4 year hiatus in this regard as I stared down the barrel of cancers largest guns. No control there, not an ounce. Yet, around the periphery I got to control enough that I think it helped me get by.
Perhaps you’ve read enough of my stuff to know that it’s a reflection of a high need for security. Well played good student. It probably is. Whatever the case it’s also why I have been struggling with something quite a bit recently.
I have noticed a change in my emotional state in recent months and I can’t put my finger on it. I don’t know if it’s good or bad, healthy or not. It may or may not directly…directly even have to do with Trey. The issue is, not that I’m emotional (and I will describe how that is manifesting itself in a moment), it’s that I can’t figure out why certain things cause me to be emotional. It’s that lack of it making sense that has me spooked. Nope, I don’t like not being to control something.
You see, I have noticed myself tearing up and even crying (tears, not audible) at the most random of things. I can narrow it down to good things, positive things, things that are admirable, but not really tear worthy. For example(s) the final choral number of our (our meaning my community, I have no part in this great production) HS musical. I sat there with tears coming down my face. Was I sad that Trey would never get to be a part of that? Not at all I assure you. It was simply an appreciation for the kids letting it all out, performing their very best in a given moment. When Rachel and I were in Texas she got to go to “Magnolia” a shop owned by the hosts of the tv show “Fixer Upper.” As I watched Rachel in all of her glory go through the baskets and pick out something to buy as a keepsake I teared up. What the? No. It’s not that expensive that I was left weeping. I was happy for her…but THAT happy? Lastly and perhaps most randomly, I was at a bar where a band was playing and actually making my time there quite miserable. I was trying to talk to a friend and it was very very loud (yes, I’m 90 years old now). They had a “fiddle” player (55 years old, normal if not super fatherish looking guy) and were playing a familiar 70’s southern rock song. Toward the end of the song he went on a bit with a solo. It was incredible. As he finished I noticed the tears coming down my face. This man was gifted. He had exercised that gift in a great way…in a north hills bar on a random Saturday night. There I was wiping and fighting back tears.
Before you think that you’ve got it all figured out that and that I’m repressing Trey tears I say, “Nay nay.” Those are there too. As Rachel and I walked into the airport I saw the moving sidewalks and immediately found my self choked up remembering doing lap after lap with Trey on our “Make A Wish” trip (to Orlando, not just the airport. That would have been a waste of a wish.). I still have “sledgehammer” moments when something out of the blue reminds me of an emotional moment with him and the tears flow. I still look at old pictures (well, there will be no new ones) of him and read blog posts about him and tear up thinking about those moments. No, I’m not closed to those.
I guess that’s why it leaves me a bit puzzled. A fiddle player, a high school chorus, and a trinket shop in Waco Texas. Yep, that’s what normally causes folks to cry right? I can justify the tears for all three but it doesn’t change the fact that I probably wouldn’t have teared up for those things for the better part of my life.
So, have I evolved and I can now appreciate things better? Perhaps. Even though I still process the hurts of Trey’s passing do I still have some extra emotion lying around, dormant inside looking for a way to leak out? Very possible. Manopause? I don’t think that’s really a thing. I dunno.
So, I don’t know why. I’m not in control of it. I can’t figure it out. Until I start tearing up at the beauty of garbage or don’t tear up at all I’m not going to panic. It’s just a weird phenomena that I thought I’d share with you all. Thanks for being there/here, both literally at times and prayerfully in others, with and for us.
Hey friend! I hear you. I think we are kindred spirits in this regard. I often tear up when I’m not in my analyzing brain and I’m just in the presence of others living seemingly small moments that I feel deep down are really big (ie volleyball matches). I think it’s the spirit in us, its a pure innate appreciation of beauty, joy, love, that comes from deep in our hearts rather than our thinking brain. It comes from a place of deep authentic love- rather than a decided cerebral love. I feel its a close connection to God, underneath all the distractions that life gives us. Its his love overwhelming our hearts.
Look at you all talking right brain/left brain on me! Volleyball matches! Watching my guys/girls compete so hard and battle together has been so moving to me over the past 4 years specifically! I/we really miss you guys. Thank you thank you thank you for commenting!
I’m not a counselor, or by any means qualified to advise, but I can give an educated guess. I believe it’s about appreciating things more as you said. Unknowingly putting the class’ pride that you knew they felt at that moment in your heart too. Knowing you have your beautiful wife standing in front of you smiling and just being her for a moment, not Trey’s Mom, and the 100 things she is everyday, just her smiling. i mean who could imagine that after losing a child anyone could smile or laugh again? Knowing that fiddle player had a gift, and music is a powerful gift, and was playing from the heart. It doesn’t have to be underlying issues of grief. Women cry during Kleenex commercials and weddings because they can identify with the feelings that are being shown, men were just generally taught not to. It doesn’t have to mean that you’re grieving, maybe it means that what you’ve learned, with the 1000’s of other things, in the last 4 years is a deeper empathy. Just like the empathy shown by the 1000’s who joined you and your family’s fight. We all laughed, cried, giggled, and waited for good and bad news with you. Was it because we knew you all so well and had a personal stake in your everyday life? Probably not for most of your FB following. I can imagine you probably had never met many of them. I have always felt empathy is an amazing gift and that there’s a huge lack of it lately.
…and that made me tear in a beautiful way. Beth, that was so wonderfully put. Thank you.
I am NOT a counselor by any means but I am a facilitator of life effectiveness and culture shaping courses for my job. one of our discussions is about people’s feelings and filters and their perceptions. one of the things we discuss is that when people have had a life changing event ~ especially one that is as profound and devastating as yours ~ they see life through a different set of filters. Many times they can live life with more of an attitude of gratitude because they can put things into perspective better. you probably don’t sweat the small stuff the way that many others do because you can see the bigger picture. the journey that you took with your son has opened you up to feeling things and appreciating them on a different level. you can feel more joy and see things in a totally different light. You might be able to enjoy the good things with much more meaning than you could before. it makes perfect sense to me! But that’s just Tina’s $0.02.