As the snow melted, there they were. Trey’s play balls (and some garbage and Poppi,s (my dad) strewn Christmas ornaments) were there, just under the surface. They had been covered by the snow and were now brought to the surface, needing to be dealt with. Fair enough, clean it up and move on.
Well, isn’t that just the way things are? I have been experiencing many similar issues emotionally. I’m sure that there are quite a few things residing, just below the surface. Sure, there are times when a picture, thought, memory just hits like a sledgehammer right in the gut. This leaves me/us breathless, cramped and in pain. However, this is not what I’m talking about today.
No, these are things that are there in more subtle way. They are not necessarily even perceptible. Their impact is certain but not directly attributable to any one specific thing. The result is a general malaise, a sense of impending…not quite doom, but unease. There is a lack of emotional reserve or margin that renders my ability to “go there” wherever “there” is. It may be doing, planning, creating, or simply thinking and it is just hindered. Not quite mud but there is a layer of something that holds me back.
“But Jay, you were going to Texas to fix all of that.” you are thinking. Praise God our time in Texas was perfect and has set us up greatly to help each other grieve and continue to deal with that which “sledges” us and also that which is residing just below the surface. Granted, I was looking for an emotional super dump and instead got some of that…some, but much more in learning how Rachel and I (both within our appropriate comfort ranges) can help each other for the weeks/months/years to come. “Give a man a fish, teach him to fish yaddi yaddi yadda.”
I so look forward to sharing with all of you what we learned from the folks at the Center for Relational Care. I have been doing that here for years and now have been equipped with everything, well not EVERYTHING, they’ve learned since we/I were trained by them 5 years ago.
As it is, I have a yard to clean up. I have some things to work through. There is no finish line (well, for the yard there is, it just never seems like it) rather it is a process that will continually evolve as things come to the surface or we dig down to find them. I hope and pray that God will use our healing and growth to spur some of you to not just “move on” but process some of your hurts that have you anchored so hard to the things that have hindered (or crushed) your world.
Thanks again for praying and being there/here with and for us.