He was staggering but upright.  He had seemed alright but was now flipping out.  Back and forth he rocked the stop sign until it snapped.  He picked it up like a trophy above his head and drove it through a nearby car windshield.  No, this wasn’t Trey after a binge of smarties, starburst, and chocolate.  This was a guy I knew in college.  Praise God I was no where near him in his shining moment but I took note to not visit the bars with my apparently “Incredible Hulk when drunk” buddy.

When he wasn’t drinking he was completely “normal”.  Granted, I don’t know if anyone I have ever hung out with or called my friend could be described as “normal”.  But he was different when he drank.  The alcohol changed him.

She had finally got her big girl job.  The money she had so longed for was finally there.  No longer was she going to have to get by with trips to Marshalls to try to make sense of how they “organize” their clothes.    No, she was now able to actually look current/trendy/ and cutting edge.  Fast forward several months later and there she is…squeaking hangars at Marshalls and sighing as she couldn’t find anything that she could justify wearing to work.

No, this isn’t Rachel.  It ‘s a girl I’ve known for years (ok, Marshalls does drive Rachel insane but she would rather wait for a sale somewhere else than ever go into that “disorganized mess).”  She had finally started to earn some real money but was in more financial crap than ever.  The money had changed her.

They got the news no parent wants to hear, “your child has cancer.”  Three months later they are sleeping in different rooms.  Six months later they are divorced.

No, this is not a description of us.  If it were we would be credited with putting forth one the greatest ruses in my lifetime.  This was a couple we had met in the playroom at the hospital.  We knew they were in trouble from the moment we had met them.  It was a fast and quick descent to divorce for this couple.  We heard it from the mom and then we’d hear it from the dad.  The tragedy was just too much for their marriage to handle.  The tragedy had changed them.

Actually, no, no, and no.  The alcohol, money, and tragedy had not changed any of them.  It made them more of what they were and/or revealed things about them.  My man had some serious anger issues.  When sober he could squash them.  When drunk, man oh man did they come flying out.  Old girl (Jay slang for “girl I mentioned earlier” she was actually in her early twenties) could waste money if she only had a dollar.  When she had $35,000 from her new job, she wasted every last one (and another 15k in credit).  This poor couple did not have a rock solid marriage based on placing their expectations on God, open honest and vulnerable communication, and mutual giving.  They had issues.  When the horrific news of cancer came these issues grew exponentially.

You see, it is my stance that alcohol, money and tragedy don’t necessarily change you, they make you more of what you are.  That, or they reveal some things you have tried to suppress or hide.  If you are a fun loving, life of the party and emotionally sound sober person and are over served by an undisciplined bar tender then you pretty much take it to the next level.  If you are good with your money, invest wisely, and give to those in need then with more money you will have more, invest more and give more.  If you have a strong healthy relationship with your loved one and “it” (insert tragedy or extremely stressful situation here) happens then you will not only survive it but have the opportunity to draw nearer to one another and thrive as a couple.

Obviously this post isn’t about drinking or money.  I’m clearly not an expert in either.  However, I do know a thing or two about relationships and tragedy/stressful times.  What I will tell you is this.  More people have commented on how well Rachel and I are doing as a couple through these tough times than I would have ever imagined.  Friends of mine who are nurses tell tales of couples being shredded by similar circumstances.  All I know is this.  We have been through the bumps and taken our bruises over the years.  Rather than ignoring the open wounds and hoping that they would scab over, never to be ripped open again, we treated them.  We took it steps further and made sure that the wounds on our relationship that were self inflicted were realized, dealt with, and not revisited.

I have several “tag lines” in regards to this entire experience with Trey.  “Everybody has a story” is probably the number one tagline that comes to mind most often.  There is just so much suffering.  Why not take the time to make sure that your marriage/relationships is on solid ground?  It will hurt?  Yes, yes it will.  We’ve moved on?  Please, you have not.  You’ve buried it.  The pressure of the tragedy (you will have one…at some point) will put pressure on that fissure in your relationship and create a chasm that both you and your partner may very well fall right into.  Sadly, it may take others into it as well (family, friends, etc.).  Let the tragedy be the tragedy, believe me it’s enough.

What should you do?  I would begin by looking back and applying the posts I’ve already written in regards to relationships.  Commit to making the relationship a priority and treat it as a living entity.  Remember, it you are married it was a new creation the day you were married.  It needs your love and attention.  It won’t be ok if left alone.  Alcohol won’t numb it, cash won’t fix it, but tragedy will kill it.  I’m not judging…I’m pleading.

**Please note.  I am more than aware that many of you have already had relationships end from tragedy and many other reasons.  Why not work on the relationships that you currently have?  Prepare for you next marriage/relationship.  What’s sadder than a divorce?  Yeah, two (or three) divorces.  You still have needs.  They can be met in a healthy loving way.