Certainly this isn’t news.  Trey, my youngest child, has cancer and has been diagnosed as “terminal”.  What we tell people is that 90% of our life is just like everyone else’s, 5% is inconvenienced by cancer, finally 5% is emotionally overbearing and what most people think we deal with all the time.  I would like to give you a sneak peak through some of the windows that reveal that last 5% and what we continue to learn from living through that window.

The first was last Tuesday.  I was on my way to open gym and listening to “Mumford and Sons.”  They are a great folk rock band out of England.  I have taken their song “Timshell” to heart and been moved to tears many times by it.  When I listen to them I wonder if the next song could apply to me/us and if so how.  Very often their songs are just about, and very obviously about, love relationships and thus have no correlation.  A few of their songs do apply, very often in a God talking to me or me to Him kind of way.  I was about to fast forward past a song, thinking it didn’t fit the mold when it hit me.  The chorus to the song “Not with Haste“ is:

We will run and scream
You will dance with me
They’ll fulfill our dreams and we’ll be free

And we will be who we are
And they’ll heal our scars
Sadness will be far away

It occurred to me that I would be singing this song to Trey in regards to being with him in heaven someday.  I had that foot in the gut empty cry.  You know, the “oh my gosh!  No!  Yep.” moment you have?  It’s amazing how you can dry your eyes so quickly and walk into a gymnasium without drawing any attention to yourself.

The second window was this past Thursday.  You may know it as “Thanksgiving”.  I was preparing the bird in the kitchen (so formulaic and trite…I know, call me a traditionalist) and listening to Joe, Bella, and Trey yelling and screaming with glee over the parade on t.v.  The thought occurred to me, “This is very possibly the last Thanksgiving like this.”  Again, the tears flowed.  I listened to them so closely, embraced the moment, cherished the simplicity, stuffed the bird.

The last window takes a bit longer to look through.  It starts with some abbreviated personal history.  After 12 years or so of working for YoungLife I felt called to leave and serve other additional age groups.  I then perused the idea of going to grad school for counseling but was told by a local university that, although they were returning to their Presbyterian roots, they were not “Christian enough” for me (regardless of my 3.47 undergrad GPA, 12 years of professional ministry, and 40+ hours of professional counseling training).  I then basically volunteered for a local church as executive pastor for a year but was told I wasn’t qualified to be their lead pastor (after being too Christian for the grad school program I was now not Christian enough for the local church, tough luck for me I guess).

Now, Trey had been diagnosed during my time at that church.  So Rachel and I then just focused on getting our family through this time and blessing others.  We have relied upon my speaking, coaching, announcing, and some savings to get by.  As Trey continues to amaze us with his resilience it has become apparent that I may need to seek full time employment sooner rather than later.  There are a ton of obstacles (which do provide opportunities for faith, I get it) with my work history, skill set, etc. that (like my undergrad degree in “management”) that leave me ABLE to do many many jobs yet qualify me for a select few.

All that being said, and here comes the window, add in the fact that in any position that I may take there very well may be a time in the hopefully distant future where things will get real complicated.  Yeah, for a certain period of time I will be at best tremendously distracted, greatly limited, needing many days off, and stretched incredibly thin.  Legally, I need not disclose anything that is going on personally.  Realistically, how can I sell myself with integrity and not let those who would hire me know of what we’re going through?  Either way, I know that I will be going through it.

However, for quite some time I have believed that God is more than in control of the whole situation.  He has provided for us in great and amazing ways.  He has made it possible for us to be as flexible as we have been and continues to do so.  I fully believe that there will be something from “Him” after “That” (if, God forbid it does) happens.  If things change, He will make it quite apparent to me what I’m to do.

So what do those windows reveal?  God is in control, I am not.  Faith in Him supersedes me “making it work.”  There is very little that I have that I can’t lose.  He is more than aware of my needs.  He has, does, and will provide for me.  Today truly is a gift.  I know that God loves me.  I know that there will be opportunities for me to love others on His behalf and I hope that I will.