I have mentioned before that my new mancrush (don’t judge) is Dr. Drew Pinsky.  Very often he talks about how he gets attacked for positions  he takes, very often for just giving his professional opinion.  He’ll make a medical opinion on something like medical marijuana and BOTH sides will kill him for being a shill for the opposing viewpoint.  What most people don’t realize is that it really affects him.  He gets torn up inside over the attacks (I know this from listening to his podcasts with Adam Carolla not like we are “boys” or anything like that…though I wish).  Further, it bothers him that it REALLY bothers him.

The other day they played a clip from a 1997 radio show they did together where Drew was complaining about negative press he was getting.  After hearing what he had said back then he excaimed, “Holy cow!  That was over 15 years ago and I’m still hurt by the same stuff!  Why am I like this?”  How many of you have asked the same question?  Why am I like this?  Why do the same things bother me time and time again?  Why am I hurt by the same type of things again and again?  Why can’t I just get over it?

I mentioned in my post the other day on Gratitude that I am so frustrated when I can’t communicate thanks to those who have helped me get through a day but I do not know them.  Well, in this case, I would love to tell Dr. Drew that I know why he is the way he is but beyond a twitter direct message (where I would look like a freak) there is no way for me to tell him.  Granted, while I would love to help him I would also just love to talk with him about emotional and relational needs, hurts and comfort.  Lastly, for him to look at me and say, “wow, you really know this stuff” would mean a whole, whole, lot.  Yet, I digress.

NOW.  Let’s get back to what matters…you.  Why ARE you the way you are?  Why DO the same things hurt time and again?  Why HAVEN’T you changed?  It’s maddening isn’t it?  Allow me to explain.

In the early years of your life and throughout it, you have been hurt.  These hurts go unprocessed and leave scars and create not only heightened emotional needs but hot spots of hurt.  Now, when you not only don’t get this emotional need met but, in fact, get hurt in that area it hurts…real bad.  It hurts back to the original time you were hurt in this way.  You don’t consciously think, “man, getting yelled at by my boss feels just like when my dad used to yell at me when he was drunk (or sober for that matter).”  You also don’t connect people falling short on commitments to you with your parents never helping you with your homework but both are an assault on your need support.  Whatever it is that hurts today can be traced back to similar hurts that weave throughout your life, planted in your early years.

It does not have to be one huge landmark hurt (but certainly those leave the biggest marks) but rather a pattern of interactions that hurt a little and over time condition us to always be hurt by such things.  You may not remember one isolated time when you weren’t encouraged and it really hurt but you also can’t think of any time where a parent or family member ever encouraged you to do or accomplish anything.  Now, you have a great need for encouragement.  Imagine that you share with your husband that have an idea for a new project or hobby.  He replies with, “that’s fine…whatever.”  You have a hollow feeling in your stomach.  Your face falls as he says, “What?!?  I said, ‘fine’ what more do you want?”  Actually, it’s what you need.  You needed, “Wow, that sounds great honey, you will crush that!”  You needed to be encouraged…both now and then.  Later, lying in bed you beat yourself up for “giving him the business” over his lack of response.  Either that or you just stare at him sleeping and wonder how he can sleep after hurting you so deeply.  You are still so hurt, so angry.

Insert whatever emotional need you want.  It connects to however you were hurt early in life and ever since.  Being hurt in that way now rings back to those hurts from years ago.  As an isolated incident you seem emotional and crazy.  Looking at it from a greater/broader spectrum it makes perfect sense.  You are not crazy or overly emotional.  You can’t just forget about it.  You’re created to feel and very often life just doesn’t feel good…or safe.

That’s why you are the way you are.