So, Saturday morning all was well.  Trey was playing with a new “girlfriend” and running/laughing/falling/getting his clothes wet in the dew filled grass, being a six year old.  As I took Joe to Jiu Jitsu, Trey went with Bella and Mommy on a huge walk around the neighborhood for our community garage sale (due to weather it will be continuing this weekend as well).  Throughout the day we noticed he was not moving his neck to the left.  As the day wore on it got worse and he started to complain about how his “head” hurt.  What was it?

That’s one of the drawbacks to having a child with cancer (it’s not all sunshine, roses, and gravy after all – sarcasm intended).  What was it?  Well, it could just be that he napped on it “wrong” and he had a stiff neck.  He could have fallen and done some structural damage (Rachel’s irrational fear).  It could be that the cancer has spread and that a tumor is now inhibiting  his movement (my irrational fear).  Lastly, it could be that aliens had abducted him and his neck got injured upon re entry into our solar system (not any of our fears but a nurse at CHP did say one woman blamed her child’s cancer on aliens with all that she had in her).

Truth be told, as of Monday it was worse yet but his doctor said he did not believe it to be the cancer, nor a broken bone, but a simple spasm for whatever reason.  It does seem to be a bit better now (midweekish) and we will get to see what’s what next week when he gets his full battery of scans again.  “Why the title then?” you ask.  I’m glad you did.

You see, Saturday night we went to a fair at the Church of Eternal Tripping (ok, it was St. Bart’s fair but they have so many power cables that every year I watch others and myself continually roll their ankles and stub their toes and trip).  Trey, Joe, and Bella had a great time and it was great catching up with a lot of folks I haven’t seen in years.  However, as Rachel and “the monkeys” rode a ride I was holding Trey.  I had to hold him just so, so that he could watch them ride (as his neck was very sore at this point).  It was chilly/cold but I noticed his shiver was almost coming from the inside.  I whispered to him, “Does it hurt that bad buddy?”  The YoungWarrior put his shield down.  He wouldn’t look at me.  He kept his eyes fixated on his mother and siblings.  However, he gently nodded, “Yes” and a single tear fell down his face.

Almost like in a movie a flash went before my eyes and there I was standing over his bed in the ICU after his failed surgery.  He had been “out” for 3 or 4 days.  On that day I wrote the following,

“I look over and see him struggling. Nothing violent, arms shaking a little, feet slightly in the air. I go over and hold his hand while I’m stroking his head and hair (fuzz) from back to front with my other hand. I tell him how proud I am of him, that I’m here, that he is tough and that it is and will be ok. At that point I notice one tear roll down his cheek.” I have made a connection, he has heard me, yet another tear. Beautifully horrific.”

I can still feel the room that night.  I still remember the utter helplessness I experienced.  The word “intimacy” can’t be used to explain the oneness I had with him that night…or this one either.

The tear…it connected one moment to another, they somehow were attached.  This is exactly how comfort works.  I cannot think of the tear rolling down his face Saturday night without thinking of those few tears rolling down his face in the ICU.  If we allow others to mourn/cry WITH us (and they know to do so…and that’s a big “if”) we won’t be able to think about what caused the pain without remembering the comfort…and healing begins.  If we try to not be sad or forget those memories, they will forever just be negative and hold us down always lingering somewhere in our heart and in our head.  Please, please, please, search “comfort” on this site (top right corner click on the magnifying glass) and read up on it.  There are a lot of posts so you don’t need to read all at once, but read them.  Our world, your world, you…need more of it.

Well, the YoungWarrior picked up his shield after that and soldiered on.  He played a game and “won” (because it cost $5 and every kid wins but I digress).  Joe and Bella actually played a game and didn’t win so Trey made sure to push enough buttons on Bella to get her in trouble for flipping out about not getting a prize (yes, daddy bought her a “prize” later at the store…softie).  He is in school today and all is “well.”  He’s well enough to fall at the playground and cut his knee/leg.  Mommy can’t have a day where she breathes all day can she?

Thank you again for joining us as we go through these days together.  You mean the world to us.  God is using you for some very good things.