I have no tattoos.

The other day I was having a conversation with a dear friend.  She is one of those people who tells it wonderfully as it is (sometimes that is code speak for “rude”” or inconsiderate) not so in this case.  She just lays it out there in wonderful obvious fashion.  I told her that I was thinking that if I ever did get some ink (tattoo for those of you who are not “down”) as of now it would be of my “Team Mitlo” bracelet…make it permanent you see.  Even though Trey completed his battle ours continues…and will.  She liked the idea.  I then went on and told her that I had under estimated the size of the “post Trey” battle.  I somehow thought that it would be harder up to his passing and during (if you will) than after.  Now, just the enormity of it all at times has me overwhelmed.  She gently said a few things to me like, “Why would you do that?  What made you think it wouldn’t be harder?  What lead you to think that you’d have any idea how it would be?”  Gentle nice convicting words…and very helpful and true.

So, in the days since I have spent some time pondering.  Where did I underestimate this battle?  What is it that I did not prepare for (again, pardon the dangling preposition)?  What is it about the time since that has hit me (and/or us) harder than I expected?  It was in that time of thought…and prayer (mostly thought) that I came up with this HUGE truth.

I have no idea what the crap I/we are even fighting.  You see, before Trey passed it was to stay close and true to God in faith (that’s still a part of the battle and we’re doing just fine).  It was also to be strong for Trey and the kids and each other…done.  It was to make sure that Joe and Bella had their simple needs met, were not swallowed up in Trey’s disease, and were prepared as much as possible for “the worst.”  It was to be there for each other, to hold on and to hold up (obviously that one is still in place as well).  Beyond that…?

This part of the battle, or this battle if it is separate, is much more nebulous.  “GRIEF YOU MORON!” you gently think to yourself, “You and yours are grieving!”  I know, but it is really hard when everything in your mind tells you that you’re ok.  That things are ok, because things and we are ok.  AGAIN, would we want him back?  Of course!  But only a healthy him and that was not an option.  Do we miss him?  Of course we do.  Are we sad that he is gone?  Yes!  Everything makes sense cognitively and we do grieve as we experience the emotions of sadness and loss.

I know the answer to how we continue to grieve lies in the steps I’ve mentioned in previous posts and I continue to take care of those.  However, that doesn’t change the fact that this side of the battle is very slippery and not nearly as tangible as the previous one.  It is one that I have definitely underestimated.  Yes, I will continue to fight, I always will.

I still have no plans to get a tattoo.