So one of my jobs in this season of our life is making sure that Joe and Bella are ok. Specifically, it is three fold.
1. Make sure that their basic needs are provided (this applied more when we were in and out of the hospital).
2. That they have some sense of “normalcy.” The disease cannot take over their lives as well, leaving them without their own identity.
3. That they are brought along with the battle so that if the worst case scenario comes to pass that they are not completely taken off guard and are best prepared to deal with it.
#3 is where this weekend’s “aha…awe” moment comes in. A little over a year ago I called the folks from The Center for Relational Care and spoke with their lead child therapist. He and I knew each other from my training with them. I filled him in on our situation and asked him what I should be doing now (then) and preparing for in the event that Trey does not make it (in regards to Joe and Bella). He told me (after offering some great comfort) that he would run it past “the team” and a couple of other experts that he knew and would get back to me.
One funny thing that did happen was that at a staff meeting he told our story while protecting our confidentiality. Another of the staff said that it might be a good idea to have them (us) contact a guy who had done some training with them a few years ago. He replied (while still being uber-confidential…yet sly), “Yeah, I think the guy that you are thinking of (me) is all too familiar with this situation.” The first man teared up.
Anyhow, he got back to me and said that the good news was that the experts and resources that he contacted outside of the CRC echoed what we teach in the CRC. They said to watch out for the signs of hurts being unprocessed (anger, fear, guilt, self condemnation). I’m used to doing that so it was, to a degree, good news. Well, our Bella is a constant battler (anger) and I very often wonder is she is struggling with a good bit of fear.
Fast forward to this past Saturday. It was very very busy. Early in the day I encouraged Bella to watch “how to” videos on YouTube rather than things she isn’t allowed to watch. She has watched some creative nail videos before (ask Rachel how THAT turned out) so I encouraged her to continue to learn and explore. After a while she told me that she watched a “how to face your fears” video (hmmmm). Later that afternoon Rachel was blessed to do the make up and hair for our niece’s homecoming dance so I was on point for the kids. We went to three different parks, played at their cousin’s, had a late dinner, showered, and threw them in bed. Then, it happened.
Just before I tucked her in, Bella asked me if I had any fears. I told her that there were a lot of things that I didn’t want to happen but that I’ve learned that bad things will happen no matter what and that God would get me through them. She asked for an example and I said that I used to fear one of my kids getting very sick. After asking if I meant a time when she had a bad cold (see #2 above) I said that while that was bad, I was actually referring to Trey getting cancer. She said two things.
1. “If he dies can we adopt?”
2. “I don’t want him to die” and started to cry…hard.
I looked at her with tears in my own eyes and held her. After we had that moment I asked her if she was ever confused by how mad she can get at him and yet worry about him at that the same time. I told her that I struggled with the same thing when I get frustrated with him. We agreed that she wants him “here” (alive) just not “here” (in her room). I cuddled up next to her and chatted for a few minutes, prayed for her, kissed her goodnight, and left the room.
Yesterday she asked why the football players were wearing pink. After hearing the answer, she said in a very angry yet controlled voice, “Why don’t they worry about finding a cure for all cancers and stop worrying about their own?” Oh my Sassy Princess, keep doing your experiments (worms cannot be made into clear nail polish after all), you very well may be the one to do just that.
Never underestimate what goes through the mind and heart of a child. Never dismiss it as kids being kids. Just because nobody talked to and really comforted us (that generation didn’t specialize in or was the least bit familiar with comfort) doesn’t mean we can’t or shouldn’t do it for ours. They need it so desperately. You don’t have kids? You are vital as well. Find out how later this week.
Thanks for checking in and loving all of our family.