So in my post The Furnace I mentioned the story about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abendego and being thrown into the furnace.  I talked about how we were in the hottest moments of our fire.  I was wrong.  Days after, Trey had gone on to be with Jesus forever and we were left behind.  We  had planned the viewing and the funeral.  We had gone through 9 hours of viewings.  Now, as many of you listened to it, the funeral was here.  However, something happened just before I spoke.  We worshiped.

No, we didn’t sing.  We worshiped.  Singing is, well, just singing.  Worship is expressing our devotion to God through song, inspired by (ideally) the Holy Spirit.  I am not great at worship (historically).  My inner monologue is typically way too loud and I am too observant of all things going on around me.  As we went through our journey with Trey and our battle against cancer I had more moments of true worship than I ever had before.

Two songs in specific stood out.  “Mighty to Save” and “Not to Us” were songs in worship that we sang with some regularity throughout Trey’s battle.  Each time, though some more than others, they hit me hard.  Many people are critical of some worship songs because they feel that by singing the words you are simply lying.  In “Not to Us” the words are, “It’s all for you.”  Obviously, everything about my life is not about God.  However, when focused on Trey I sang those words out of a pledge to God.  I was going through this for God, not for me, His Will, not mine, His Trey, not mine.  None of that was necessarily true but it was my pledge in song.  I would weep.  I wept for how short I would so often  fall.  I would weep because I didn’t want to be going through this and was tired.  Lastly and primarily, I would weep because I didn’t want to lose Trey.  As time went on I almost sang these songs with a touch of aggression.  Like a fighter who had another round in him, there was nothing left in the tank but out of will alone, I would go on.

Now, Trey was gone.  I was about to speak about that to everyone at the funeral and all who would listen later.  I was exhausted, depleted, sad, and overall emotionally spent.  Yet, something I can only describe as Godly happened.  From the very first note of those two songs, I was fine.  No, I was beyond fine.  I described it as the most healing and cleansing moment of my life.  Later, I realized it for what it truly was.  A graduation.  I no longer sang these two worship songs out of sadness, fear, and commitment.  I no longer was singing in a pledge to God.  I was singing because I had done what I had pledged.  I was “done.”  I had made it about God’s will, not mine.  I had given Trey to God and was in fact ok.  I sang and, yes, danced.  I worshiped more freely than ever before.  I had to look like a fool to some and certainly didn’t care.  This side of heaven I can’t imagine ever being that intimate with God again.  It was if I was saying to my heavenly Father, “How did I do?” and He replied, “You did great, I am proud of you.”

As I described this to someone days later the illustration hit me.  When Shadach and his boys were in the furnace they not only survived but, “not a hair was singed” on their body.  In the hottest of furnaces they simply walked and talked with “The Son of the Gods”…Jesus.  I was blessed with my opportunity to do the same.  This was what should have been my “hottest”‘ moment.  Yet, I freely was given the opportunity to sing, to dance, to worship.

I wasn’t ok.  I was blessed.  I was free…and not the least bit singed.