I wanted to post today on two different topics. The first was attachment therapy (or theory). This is what I was referring to the other day when I talked about attaching comfort to hurt. I would explain it in contrast to other types of counseling (like cognitive behavioral therapy etc.) so as to be able to truly understand how it works. The other idea was to talk about where hurts go once they hit you. What does it look like? What does it turn into? However, the other morning I had “a moment” that I would like to share with you.
In church, we sang a worship song called “I Stand Amazed (How Marvelous).” As with many folks, I usually have to work hard at blocking out not only most of my surroundings but also turn down my inner monologue to focus on God and truly worship. Sometimes, more often since Trey’s diagnosis (to the surprise of few who have been hit by challenging times) there are moments of almost immediate clarity. This was the case on Sunday.
The chorus says “How marvelous, how wonderful, and my song, shall ever be. How marvelous, how wonderful is my Savior’s love for me?” I immediately thought of Trey. I thought of the number of people who have told me how much Rachel and I have inspired them. I thought of the weight and responsibility that has come with facing this challenge both privately and in a public arena. I thought of the battle that this has been and continues to be. I was overwhelmed that the Lord chose me (us). I was somehow deemed worthy to face this horrific tragedy and be equipped to not only survive but be used as evidence of His Goodness.
The first verse talks about how I/we are sinners, we are condemned and unclean (as compared to a perfect God). Whereas in the song it is used to show amazement that God would love someone like us, I took it as a contrast to the inner doubt that I struggle with. I beat myself up for my sin and brokenness. God sees it, knows it, and chooses to use me regardless. Despite those things about me, I was chosen to be able to withstand these times and even thrive as a demonstration of God’s power, love and might.
The second verse talks about how God has taken our sins and inequities upon Himself through Jesus and makes it possible to be forgiven by dying on the cross. However, I was reminded of how Jesus has suffered any and every way that we can. He actually, by coming to earth and being a man, has felt MY pain. He left heaven to come here and lead the way back. He has shown me how to experience both pain and love. I can look at Him and know that He knows…and cares. He sacrificed. I have been called to sacrifice. He persevered and through Him I/we can as well.
Lastly, in the final verse it talks about being in heaven with Him. It says, “His face I at last shall see.” I thought about when all of this is done (not only “this time” but this battle we call life) that I will be able to look at Him and say “How did I do?” and to know that He will have tears in His eyes, hug me, and lovingly welcome me into His Kingdom. Historically, I think of Him and want to hide my face in shame. I only focus on my sin. This time, as illustrated through this song, I was able to relish in not only His love for me but His deeming me as worthy to face such a daunting battle.
This has been and will be a battle for sure. We have taken our lumps and been knocked down. We haven’t even entered the “championship rounds” yet. Nonetheless, if He thinks we can make it, we will fight on. Whatever my face may look like when this fight is over, I’m glad it will get to see Him…someday.
Oh Jay, I sit here reading your post in tears; tears of joy! Once again you’ve hit the crux of the matter. We serve a great AND compassionate God. I myself sometimes forget that He experienced all that we go through. He understands. Not that that makes our trials a breeze to sail through, but it helps to be able to lean on the ONE who knows, has compassion for us, and promises to be with us and never leave us. I find I have to constantly remind myself of this. Thank you for reminding us again !
Mary Wells