The picture of Bella shows her knew “cool girl” haircut.  She was really worried that kids at school would make fun of her because part of her head was shaved.  I made sure to say “all the right things” (truth be told, there really aren’t many if any) and prepare her heart in the event that some rotten kid would see something different and make fun of it (like some snotty 9 year old I knew some 34 year ago…ok, actually I was only really snotty from 7th – 9th grade but I digress).  Then, I had to let her go.  I couldn’t control the pain that could/would come her way today.  I prayed that it wouldn’t but couldn’t be so sure.

Well, it didn’t.  Everyone liked it or didn’t say that they didn’t.  She beebopped in after school and was in a great mood.  However, we all know the sting that comes from days like this go real bad.  Forget kids, WE have those days where we walk in the door and wonder, “What JUST happened?”  Maybe it was a series of “small” things.  Maybe it was the single worst day of your life.  Maybe it was either of those for someone you love ever so dearly.  You/they are wounded, maybe even crushed.  Your heart sinks.  You try to fix with words, actions, deeds…nothing.  You’re rendered helpless.

No, I’m not going to expound about the dire necessity of comfort today.  I have well documented that and it will tie into this post but rather something else that has been thrust upon me in the first few weeks of this new year.

I have had several conversations with people who are struggling, grieving, worried, about some really HUGE issues in their life.  I have had other conversations and interactions with some who are just anxious about things that could happen to them or a loved one(s).

I am so burdened for these people and the comfort they need.  I am floored at how many levels of hurt are present in each of these horrible situations.  I am overwhelmed at how many people have so much hurt and these are only the lives that have come to my attention in the last couple of weeks.  I can easily say, “We all have stories” and we do.  Yet, when I hear said “stories” and think of the layers and layers of hurts that exist and almost everyone is bereft of the true notion of comfort (not words, not understanding…not even true empathy but down and dirty tear on tear joining people IN their pain) I could almost think it to be impossible.

Yet, I can only do my part and be obedient to that which He has called me to do.  Rather than despondent, I am determined.  Rather than being dismayed I am dug in.  Rather than distraught I am passionate.

I also, know this.  One of the very first lessons I have had refined in listening to every one these past few weeks (and don’t kid yourself, after going through what I’ve been through for the past 4 years…and in reality 43 years, my story as well) is a simple truth.  We really don’t have much control in or over our life and the lives or our loved ones.  Oh, we try.  We try real hard.  Some, who have a high need for security in particular, control the crap out of everything in the lives of our loved ones.  Some even know that they do it and will argue vehemently that it is necessary.  Those in the greatest of these horrific situations are being dragged into this truth in a very strong and not so subtle way.  Others, are oblivious and are running around trying to grasp the straws that are the reigns of life and hoping it will steer this Clydesdale where we want it to go.

Oh, there are therapy techniques that are very useful to help you deal with the anxiety if you suffer from said malady.  Ok, what IF that happens?  Well, THIS would happen.  Ok, and if THAT happens?  Well, THIS may happen.  You keep playing it out in your head and the idea is that the fear of the unknown is greater than the reality of the possible or even plausible.  I know people who have been helped by this technique.

There is another truth I have “discovered.”  God really is in control.  We may not like it, we may hate it.  Yet, He is.  So, if you combine that exercise that I just mentioned with the ultimate ending (and hopefully peace) of “God really is in control” your head may be able to understand some fear and control issues.

Allow me to now come full circle here.  Even if you KNOW all of these things, why can’t you FEEL them?  I dare say because you have had so many hurts that have gone unprocessed, unattached to any true comfort, that your fear, your angst, is far too loud to hear said truth.

One last thing.  This is specifically in regards to parenting but I’m sure applies to relationships in general.  Let me ask you this.  Which causes more damages in relationships?  Letting someone potentially make a terrible decision or severing a relationship (or severely damaging one) if they don’t follow your every piece of advice or demand?  I’m not saying to not have rules/boundaries etc.  I’m talking about the micro management and constant control seeking behavior that we…we (did I say we?  I mean, Jay and Rachel Mitlo with Joe and Bella) so often thrust upon our kids.  Rather, if we could go slow, love them, allow them to grow…through pain (often of their own poor choices) and to always know that our love for them is not contingent upon their obedience performance for us, would that then not be a healthier (though harder) way to go?  The other very well may lead them to feel horrifically alone, resenting us for not respecting them enough to make mistakes.  I once had a man I know say to me, “At this tragic moment when my son had hit complete and utter rock bottom in our relationship and I was literally shaking his 20 year old body God said to me, ‘You can’t control him, but can you love him how I love you?'”  That question has stayed with me and ministered to me a lot over the past few months.

The ultimate reality is this.  We really don’t have much control.  He does.  We can’t really make them do much and if we do, it’s only crippling them.  If we have not taught them enough right and wrong and the Holy Spirit does not lead them away from bad decisions or they are not obedient to Him and make bad ones is He not the God of them as well?  Does He not care and love them more than us?  The beauty of it all is this, He does love them, us.  He is in control.  He will use every bad decision to reveal his love for us in oh so many ways.   Finally, oh yeah, He loves and cares for us too.

Some get this, others just don’t.  It normally takes a hard lesson or 20 to finally surrender to it.  Very often we say that we, “take control of our life” back from God.  The reality is that we have no control and can only beg for the faith to realize that He is in control.