There is a website called reddit which people vote on all of the articles and newsclips that are on the internet and it basically ranks them. An offshoot of this website is called IAmA. People mention that they are…something…anything, noteworthy. Then those visiting the site can ask them anything. It’s really quite amazing as you get everything from politicians and sports stars (celebrities in general) to people with severe disabilities and sickness. Rachel brought up the idea of me doing a version of this here on my website a while ago.
A few months ago a close friend, brother really, was in town with his newlywed wife. Towards the end of our lunch I told them that if they had any questions regarding Trey that they were more than welcome to ask me and need not be “careful.” Surprisingly, they did have some questions. I was shocked that they wouldn’t have asked me the questions without my prompting.
Yesterday I was having lunch with yet another really good friend, again, close like a brother and shared with him a story about a guy who had some great, open, and honest questions. I pointed out that his responses were refreshingly honest. My man yesterday added, “What he did was ask you some questions that none of us have the b@lls to ask you but would like to know.” He continued, “We (from those closest to you to those who you have just met) can’t imagine what you are going through and just don’t know what we can ask without doing harm.”
Thus, here we are. Where is that you say? Here’s where. Ask Me Anything. Go ahead…it’s ok. I am not only permitting you, I’m asking you to do it. You need not worry about hurting me or taking me to a place you’re afraid that I will go emotionally. Nope, it’s all on the table. The one caveat is that it is something you want to know. I guess what I’m saying is don’t ask me something just to see if I’ll answer it that has nothing to do with our present trial and journey that we are experiencing. For example, the question, “Could God build a rock bigger than He could throw?” (my answer is, He wouldn’t, by the way) is not what I’m looking for here. I think you get me on this.
So, please, ask away. Please ask it on this website in the comment section and not on whatever page that lead you here (facebook, twitter, etc.). That way everyone can see it. I will reply to all questions as soon as I can. Have a great weekend!!!
I have a million questions that I would like to get your opinion on so here is just one of them………..How do I learn to truly forgive someone that has hurt me tremendously?
First of all Jimmy, I am really sorry that someone has hurt you so badly. I hope and pray that you have been able to have someone comfort you through some of if not all of the pain. Further, not knowing you (I don’t think) or the nature of the pain and the relationship of the person who hurt you (all too much for a public forum like this) I will keep my answers simple and general but quite applicable.
To forgive someone is for you, not them. Also, it is not the same as forgetting. It may be too much to forget and, in fact, necessary to remember how you got hurt.
To forgive is to release someone from the guilt of hurting you. If you don’t forgive them you are very likely to slip into a bitterness that will drip into most areas of your life.
To forgive them is not the same as giving them permission to hurt you again. That comes with “not forgetting.” In fact it is part of severing a hurtful bond that you and the person who hurt you share.
Lastly, if you don’t forgive, it’s not acknowledging the mistakes and hurts you’ve caused in your life. God gave you the ability to be forgiven through Jesus. For you to not forgive someone ignores the mistakes you’ve made in your life and minimized the great forgiveness that Christ displayed on the cross. I probably shouldn’t have gone there inasmuch that it is a heavy and very real topic with a lot of theology behind it. It is easy to misunderstand and take the wrong way.
Lastly, to forgive is a choice, not a feeling. We may not want to forgive but we can choose to. Remember, it is for you, more than for them.
Again, I’m so sorry that you’ve been hurt so badly. However, if you can come to forgive them, you are well on your way to truly healing.
What’s a typical day look like in the life of Jay Mitlo?
I wake up, get the kids breakfast, work on the computer (website stuff or book stuff), volleyball stuff on the given day, make dinner (most days in the summer) and follow whatever the evening holds. Add in trips to the pool from time to time, taking a turn taking Trey to the hospital for meds or OT/PT, speaking engagements, and other summer activities as they arise. Most days, Rachel and I both put the kids to bed (we have our routine), I go to the store, and then Rachel and I watch some t.v. before having our 15+ minutes of talking/sharing before we head up to bed. That’s about it, that’s the list.
This is much more difficult to do than it seems. I’ve erased 5 questions already. Mostly I think too deep, too personal, that one might bring up sad feelings. Can you do this Jay? Can you ask me anything? I don’t think so. Wait I have one, it’s not deep but it’s a question. What do you hope to achieve by doing this?
Thanks for replying BKY, if I may call you that. Allow me to answer your question, “can ‘I’ do this.” It depends on what you mean. Can I answer these questions about this period of my life dealing with a child with a terminal diagnosis? Yes. I do it all the time with some people and more often in my own head. Can I ask you anything? Well, that depends. If I had a question that I wanted to ask you but didn’t feel that it was ok to ask, but then you said that I could…yes. Further, and to answer your last question, I want to give people the opportunity to feel free to ask me any question that they have wanted to ask me without having to worry about it being too personal, or too hurtful, or that they fear may bring up sad feelings. I’m saying that it’s ok. Now, if the question brings up sad feelings inside of you and you don’t want to do that, please don’t.
I’m sorry for the confusion. I hope I didn’t make you feel bad in any way. My goal was/and is the exact opposite.
I didn’t feel bad in any way I just don’t know how to word things. I am not very good at translating my thoughts into words. Somewhere between the brain and the mouth it gets jumbled. You’ve shared so much about Trey with all of us that right now I don’t have a questions but I may in the future and it is comforting to know that I can ask if I need to. When I read your “Ask Me Anything” my immediate question that came to mind was about your past and the tramatic event that you shared in a past post. How were you able to overcome it? How do you not let it affect your sense of self worth today? Do you have trouble trusting others with your children because of this happening to you? How did you heal?
Thanks BKY for the continuing communication. Don’t beat yourself up for your ability to communicate, I get you just fine. I assume by “traumatic event” from my past you are referring to my post “50 shades of Jay” when I stated that I had been molested. I’ll answer that. If I’m wrong then I’ll answer that one as you correct me. So, first things first, I was older than my children and beyond babysitting age when it happened to me. For lack of making everyone uncomfortable and putting too much out there (that’s almost hypocritical coming from me) I was simply sleeping and it happened in a non violent way and only briefly…but definitively. So, how did I overcome it? At first I didn’t. I confronted the person, they confessed and then I did nothing. I thought I had “handled it.” Bitterness grew like a jack and the beanstalk magic vine on crack and I blew up about a year later. After the blow up I happened to find myself in the Family (Christian) bookstore. I noticed a “Recovery From” series of small books. I looked at and bought the one for bitterness. It covered the 5 stages of grieving and whatnot. I read it, followed the steps, forgave the offender (in person), and for lack of a better term, moved on. How do I not let it effect my sense of self worth today? Great question. It very well may but I don’t think it does. My sense of self worth is something I struggle with as my standard response to hurt is self condemnation (as opposed to anger/guilt/or fear). So, anytime anything bad happens to me it kind of gets filtered through that, “oh well, why not me?” In my head I know I’m worth much but inside I struggle. Lately, I have wondered if that has kept me back from a lot in my life to this present time. I know I have some healing in other areas of my life I just haven’t gotten around to yet and I’m sure that will help. In regards to trusting others with my children there are several answers. One, again, my situation was different than the stage of life they are in now. Two, we are very careful with them and it is on my/our minds. Three, have you met my wife? She is very protective and constantly making sure we do all we can to keep them safe. Lastly, I know that we can only do so much. Bad things happen to all of us and we can’t live in fear. There is always a chance that something can happen beyond our control (like cancer) and we make sure to cover all that is within our control. Lastly, how did I heal? I think I pretty much answered it above but if I were to add to it I would say that I’ve learned to attach comfort to grief. Really, and odd that this has come up in 2 of the 3 questions I’ve received so far, forgiveness is as huge as anything in the entire healing process (along with comforting the grief). Thank you again for being so open with you questions.
Thank you for allowing this forum to ‘be’. Thank you and your family for allowing us to follow along on parts of your journey. My question is: ‘How do you and your wife handle the ‘dark moments’? My ‘dark moments’ (right now) result with me questioning my ‘Faith’ and wanting to shut down. Do you ever feel this way? and if so, how do you navigate around the darkness.
Thanks for asking Pat. The “dark moments” and how do we handle them. Well, I suppose that in general we deal with them by feeling “the darkness” in a very real, open, and honest way. We do that together. Cognitively, we have to deal with the darkness for what it is. We can’t pretend things aren’t the way that they are. I will give you two examples.
1. Two years ago when Trey’s surgery went bad and he almost died, that was sudden and very scary darkness. We cried together. We talked with the Doctors. We then went in and saw Trey and got ready to spend the night and begin the (hopefully) recovery process. I updated everyone who prays for us, talked with those closest to us, and begged God for one more day. I remember saying to Rachel, “Well, apparently THAT day is coming, much sooner than we would have ever wanted but it wasn’t today.”
2. Probably a year ago (or less) Rachel and I were talking about whenever Trey becomes “symptomatic.” God had impressed upon me through His Word, prayer, and some other folks, that we would be o.k. Not that Trey would be healed (not that he wouldn’t either) but that we would be o.k. We talked for a bit and came to this conclusion. We are ready, yet we know we can’t be “ready” for that, soooooo I suppose we are o.k.
I don’t really question God in any of this. He is far too big, far too good, for me to question Him. He never promised me a painless life. He did promise to be with me through it though, and He has been.
One really heady caveat to all of this. I struggle with self condemnation, that I am not worthy of good things. I am kind of the opposite of entitled. If I struggled with anger instead I could imagine flipping out at God and walking away for awhile.
Lastly, and perhaps I’m nitpicking here, I don’t think we navigate “around” the darkness but instead “through” it.
I am sorry that you are going through crap and darkness. Get through the day and do it again tomorrow. Try not to be alone or put on a happy face. Feel it, have someone be “there” with you, and embrace what you can of each day. I am so sorry that you’re going through this time.
As a teacher I have had many children with a variety of needs and situations. Children ask a variety of questions and more often than adults are much more accepting of differences. ( I wish I knew when we start to loose this). I feel it is easier to answer them when I know they have faith and family support at home. Yet I still do manage to answer them. ( the Holy Spirit helping me?) I want to be able to share and answer their questions yet I want to do it with some background knowledge to guide me. What would you as a parent of a child with a terminal illness want a teacher to know to help them give any child with a terminal illness a positive classroom experience. What if anything would be appropriate for peers to know?
I know we treat all children fairly etc.. Yet we treat them differently to meet them at their level. So where do we as educators meet this fine line and explain it to the children in our care? How do we explain this without our Faith? (by example and living like Jesus?) I have had discussions and often children bring up their Faith. (that gives me hope for the future) yet some do not believe as we do. How do we explain this to them?
Where do we loose our childlike faith?
I hope this is what you meant and if it is not I apologize. I really did not know how to write what wanted to ask. I am not very good with words and writing as I am in a classroom full of 3-5 year olds!
I appreciate your vulnerability in using this as a forum for us. It takes a lot for a person to not be caught in the selfishness of your situation. I commend you in that regards, even though I know this isn’t about you. I have been following your journey mostly, but I still wonder how do you keep the faith. Even as a believer I am still amazed at your ability to serve others and follow God’s plan during this time. I guess this is more of a person question towards myself rather than directed at you. I know that my faith isn’t there, but when at look at what you are going through as a father, pastor, friend and mentor I have to look at myself in the mirror and say why not.
Hey Mark, thanks for the kind words. Check out my answer to Pat, I touch on a lot of what you have mentioned in your question. In regards to you I guess I can’t really answer for you but I would be remiss if I didn’t say a few things in regards to faith.
1. I grew up with a very fearful view of God, very guilt ridden.
2. As I came to know Him, I realized that I could know Him in a relational way. That being said I never became a “Jesus is my buddy” or any real “touchy feely” relationship with God.
3. So, it is easier for me to come to the understanding that God is God and I’m not. For me, it wasn’t like I could say to God, “Hey! I thought we were cool! Why me and not someone else?” My reaction is much more like, “Ok, so that’s the way it is. Well, who am I to say it should be any other way?”
4. Whether it be Job, Paul, Jesus Himself, Shadrac and the boys, so many people in scripture had horrific times. Why not me?
Lastly, in regards to faith in general, I would relax. Yield to God and your faith will increase. I just don’t think you can “get better” at faith as if it were a skill or discipline. I think it happens as you survive bad things and keep your eyes fixed on Him.
All that/this being said, if you ask Rachel or me if we think that we have great faith, we will both say no. Now, we might answer, “I…guess…so?”