Ok, I’ll admit it.  I am dealing with some anxiety.  No, I haven’t gone to the hospital  with an anxiety attack nor do I think I’ve had one.  In fact, the thought of having an anxiety attack gives me more anxiety than most other things.  That’s a pride thing for me.  However, this post is about anxiety and not pride so I will move on.

You probably know that our youngest son, Trey has “terminal” cancer (I always use quotes as God can heal him at any time.  He may, He may not).  He is currently not in any treatment program and at some random time his tumors will continue to grow and/or spread which will complicate (to say the least) and eventually take (worst case scenario) his life.  We have two other kids that we  have to bring along in this tremendously trying time.  Further, I have to create safety nets for them to fall in when/if they lose their brother.  Rachel and I, on a daily basis, love and serve each other so that we are “stable” and “secure” as much as possible and never…ever alone in all of this.

I mentioned in a recent post that I covet people with steady incomes.  Ok, “covet” is a strong word but the reality is we do not have steady income as my career has been very…well, varied in the past several years.  Know this, we have been incredibly blessed, very responsible with our $$, and have never been in want.  We have occasionally dipped into some savings (of which we are tremendously grateful to even have) to get us through some thin times.  I know that we have been blessed with this flexibility so as to best love and serve (and help the survival emotionally) my family through this trying time.  Yet, I grind over the $$.  I can freely give my son’s health to God and trust in Him and yet more and more I get anxious over the $$ situation.  I KNOW that He hasn’t stopped providing for us for one minute yet I find myself worrying about it for far more than I’d like.

Further, I have found that when a literal “storm” is impending, that the figurative storm increases my overall anxiety.  Allow me to simplify.  As this deep freeze approached, I had an almost tangible amount of anxiety come upon me in regards to the storm.  The same thing was true with the last (or biggest) “snowstorm” that we had.  It doesn’t take a doctorate in psychology to figure out why that is.

Now, add in that during the midst of the storm that I am busy breaking snow shovels, having a (one, not many, just one) pipe potentially freeze but at least stop working (see picture above), trying to keep the rental van (from our main van getting fixed from being rear ended) clean and not trashed, trying to cook (it gives me peace and is a creative outlet) with everything that was under the sink now on the sink (again, see above), while Joe, Bella, and Trey each need 100% of my attention, showing Joe that when he prays, “Jesus, help me to know more about you so I can be more like you” that refusing to play with his little brother who is begging you to play flies in the face of that prayer…without shaming him but also keeping him from doing things now that will potentially haunt him for years, “‘I was a bad brother, Trey wanted to play with me and I was too busy” is something I don’t ever want him to think let alone say or feel.  Yes, add those things to the previous two and I experience some anxiety.

Lastly, yes, the impending figurative storm of Trey’s cancer spreading/growing does leak into not only the preparations with the literal winter storms we are facing but it also leaks (all of it) into my interactions with others.  The kids get the brunt of it but Rachel senses her fair share as well.  Yes, I know, read, and practice Phil 4: 6-9 and I do have those who help comfort my every hurt, but man…it is a battle.

So, yeah, confession over.  We’re ok, I’m ok, except I’m not ok, but that’s ok.  You know what?  You’re ok too.  What about those who have it all together?  Don’t worry, they have it worse (and I mean that) than the rest of us.