Jay, you link where does hurt go all of the time! How could this possibly be any different? Well, allow me to tell you why.
One thing I want to expound upon some more is one that hits closest to home for me. Self condemnation. Yet, before I do that allow me to refresh the minds of those who choose not to go back and check the old links.
Fist of all a hurt is any time you have an emotional need not met or, in fact, taken from you. Take the need of “security.” If you asked your spouse/best friend/whatever to simply check in with you 2x a day so that you knew that they were ok and they didn’t, that would be a hurt as the need was not met. However, if that same person was hit by an asteroid while they were out you would have your sense of security greatly damaged. Either way, in very different ways, you were hurt in the emotional need of security.
So then, the hurt goes to several places but eventually resides in one more than the others. Given the first scenario above (the “didn’t call” scenario) the hurt goes to anger “Why didn’t you call!” It then goes to fear, “What if they don’t call tomorrow?” Then guilt creeps in, “I ask way too much of them, it’s my fault they don’t meet my need.” THEN self condemnation slides in the back door unannounced and very unwelcome, “You know, I’m not worthy of having a spouse/best friend/whatever that meets my needs” or simply “Why would I have my needs met? I don’t deserve that.”
You can go through all of these but odds are you read one of them and felt like, “Yeah, wow, that’s all about me.” For me, it’s self condemnation by far. I wanted to make my status the other day, “I wish they had ‘self condemnation’ awareness month but then again we really don’t deserve that. A couple of days would be nice though.” I realized that kind of humor would be far above the room and really only be for me. The thought behind it is very real though. As we have been given and read a lot of information on grief throughout the past year, there are many similarities and overlaps. Yet, one area is almost always NOT there. Self condemnation.
Many think that it’s the same as guilt…not true. Guilt is feeling that something happens as a result of something that is your fault. Self condemnation is not feeling worthy of receiving something that everyone freely is given and entitled to have in the first place. Given the example above, guilt is feeling responsible for them not calling. Self condemnation is believing you don’t deserve to have your need for security (or whatever) met in the first place. THAT is where my hurt goes.
What about you? Do you know? Can you figure it out? Why bother? Well, there are solutions and/or “antidotes” to each of the results of hurts. Granted, comfort is what you need the most but getting healthy from an overabundance of a lifetime of hurts residing in a certain area of your emotions is almost as essential. However, if you don’t know where your hurt goes, you can’t get the right “antidote.”
Or, go ahead and ignore it. That can go to some very terrible long term hurtful places that eventually manifests itself in physical damage and emotional wreckage. Allow me to encourage you to go after some healing…it’s really much better than the alternative. Get some folks to mourn with you and join you in your pain.