Download PDF

I was in Austin Texas learning all about emotional needs and emotionally focused therapy.  You can’t do that without looking inward.  I was told that my self-condemnation was “alarming” (thank you very much, I’m quite remarkable).  Self-condemnation is a by product of emotional hurts (along with anger, fear, and guilt).  I was told that the “antidote” for that was appreciation.  My instructor assigned me with the task of listing everything that I was thankful for.  I told him that it wouldn’t work.  I would just look at all of my blessings and feel guilty (self-condemned) that I was still such a sinner/screw up.  He marveled at my ability to turn positive into negative.

As I began to go through a lot of my life and heal a lot of the hurts I began to have some clarity.  Believe it or not, one thing that helped me was watching “The Biggest Loser” on tv.  It is/was (is it done?) a show that helped morbidly obese people lose weight, heal, and gain self esteem.  I was also a big fan of the show “Intervention.”  Seeing people mired in heavy addiction broke my heart.  It was in those moments that I became ever so glad that I didn’t struggle with those maladies.  No, I wasn’t better than them, far from it.  However, my struggles were different…and I was glad I didn’t have those problems.

Rather than appreciating what I had, I was appreciating what I didn’t struggle with.  That was a start at least…I guess.  Then I was told that I was potentially going to lose something I had, something very special/dear/vital/precious.  I lost Trey.

Two and a half years later I am reminded of him so very often.  A picture, a toy, a memory, he is on my mind often and at the most random of times.  There is a tinge of sadness, occasionally a vacuous thud.  To try to leave it out of my mind is pointless and damaging.  However, something has helped me greatly.


I am so glad for the time that I was blessed to have had with Trey.  Granted, 4 of his 6 years were spent battling an horrific disease but that was what made for amazing memories, victories and challenges.  It was through those times that I was able to dig deeper into a faith that I never knew was possible.  I was blessed by the generosity of thousands.  I was comforted by floods of tears from family, friends, and strangers.  I was given a platform to share my thoughts, feelings, fears, failures, and faith.  I was given the challenge of parenting 3 beautiful gifts from God through many landmines of life.  I was blessed with the greatest partner to battle through the greatest of challenges.

I am so thankful.

My setbacks and challenges were not buried with Trey.  They have continued.  In some ways, the fact that they are not nearly as daunting as the loss of a child makes them harder at times.  They’re sneaky that way.  That’s ok.  I have much to do.  I have many challenges.  I have a lifetime (whatever that is) of them waiting for me.  But I have so much.

I am thankful for that which I have.  I am thankful for what I have gone through.  I am thankful for where God has placed me.  I am thankful that I get to love and serve a God that would even consider using me to love others.

What have you lost?  I am so sorry.  What are you struggling with right now?  It comes with a blessing, believe it or not.  I hope and pray that you are able to grieve, cry, and receive comfort from someone close to you.  I also hope that you can sit back and realize how much you were blessed to have whoever or whatever that was in the first place.  I pray that your sadness turns to joy.

Share This