You know him. He/she is in your world and drives you crazy. Neighbor, friend, co-worker, BOSS, spouse…whatever. He (please understand that for the rest of this post “He” is interchangeable with “she”) drives you insane! They keep doing things that take you to the point of emotional exhaustion. More than once a week/day/whatever you exclaim, “Why does he do that? Why is he that way!!!” Why indeed.
The answer is actually attainable. To a degree understanding the reason why is the beginning of learning how to deal with them but in no way the entirety of how. The problem is that you may not have the tools or knowledge necessary to properly figure it out. I would like to help.
So, why ARE they that way? I will tell you this. It is almost entirely emotionally driven and in most cases unbeknownst to him. However they are and whatever they do that drives you to your breaking point it all comes down to emotional needs (them needing them to be met or having been hurt in them)…almost every bit of it.
If you are still confused as to even what I’m talking about, allow me to give you some characteristics as to who “they” are or what “they” do.
They (some of these may apply or a combination of them. I pray that they ALL don’t): always insert themselves into every conversation you have, they flip out at the smallest bump in the proverbial (or literal) road, they call you 20x/day, they don’t ever tell you good things, they are the neediest of needy, they don’t take a compliment well if at all, they take but don’t give, they give but never receive, they are always doing good things and telling you about it, they are just a downer and find the worst in everything, they don’t listen, etc.
Take a minute and read or re-read my posts on emotional needs list (on my blog page scroll down and on the “topics” dropdown click on “emotional needs list.” You can also just quickly glance over this post but learning about each need will tremendously help you. What “That Guy” is doing is reacting to a need he has in his life. It could be that he has always had that need met or, more often than not, never had that need met enough to satisfy him. Very often, in childhood they were hurt badly in a need and have never truly received healing through comfort. What they have learned to do is to take that need…aggressively.
Think about it. You do something the least bit wrong and your boss is all over you. Might he have a high need for respect and takes a mistake as an assault to his leadership? You tell your husband that you feel lonely and he immediately defends himself telling you why he’s so busy. Could he have a high need for appreciation and can’t imagine hurting you let alone not meeting your needs? Perhaps he has a high need for security, feels you could leave him and thus overreacts every time you bring it up. Perhaps they are the type of person that takes on everything and then complains about being busy and never lets you help. Could they have a need for appreciation, attention, or approval? Mind you, not all of these all of the time but as an example you can see how these needs creep (or barge) their way into their (and thus your) world in such a clandestine manner that you may not have ever realized it?
I am not under any circumstance telling you to feel bad for this person to the point of ignoring the frustration or hurt that they cause you. Not at all. Rather, you first need to have someone comfort YOU as you experience such emotional drudgery. Secondly, in dealing with That Guy, knowing what they need can help you navigate the world of emotional entrapment that they have created to fill their needs. If you think you have figured out what emotional need they are lacking or trying to take, give them some of it (ideally when they are not actively manipulating to get it. It’s kind of like child who is always showing attention seeking destructive tendencies. You give them attention outside of the tantrums so that they learn (in theory) that their needs will be met without having to cause a scene.
Regardless, That Guy is in our lives. You can’t avoid them. You may as well equip yourself to love and serve them so as best not have deal with their manipulative games that they create to get their needs from you. If you simply don’t want to give this person anything, perhaps you need to take a look at your own needs and see why you wouldn’t want to love and serve someone in this way. Odds are, you haven’t received nearly enough comfort from the pain (emotionally or simply in the posterior) that they have caused you to be able to give them anything.