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**Warning**  Everything is fine however the following is filled with quasi poetic coffee house dramatic tones.  You have been warned.

I’m cold.  Yes, today is especially frigid outside but it’s more than that.  Yes, I’m older these days and my feet do tend to get cold quicker than in my “youth” but it’s more than that.  Yes, I do wear two pair of exercise pants as my “loungewear” but it’s more than that.  Yes, I have a bigger heart for those who are suffering and have been loved more than I could ever imagine but it isn’t that at all.

I’m cold.  Naked if you will.  Pressure and darkness surround me.  There is impending doom just above my head wherever I go.  Every thought a second guess.  Every idea a battle against doubt and negativity.  Every confirmation a challenge to faith.  Everyday is work.  Every pain a disease.  Every observation of my children’s behavior a fear of long term ramifications of situations I can’t control.  Every dollar spent is a call to rely upon Him and not me.

A little over 11 years ago due to the generosity of a some dear friends, Rachel and I were able to go to Jamaica for a “Goodbye to us” vacation before kids.  Little did we know, little did we know.  We thought we did.  It was all inclusive and we took full advantage.  We ate, we drank, we danced, we golfed, we climbed a waterfall, we told lies to strangers (no, I’m not really an architect), we tanned, we slept in, we even wore toga’s.  Rachel got her hair put in highly painful corn rows while I watched IU in the final four.

I remember laying by the pool and being so hot.  I remember laying in the pool on the perfect seat cushiony raft that let you sink in just a couple of inches so that the water kept you just cool enough to lay there forever…and we did.  I remember sitting around a piano with some German men and a few other couples singing song after song until they made us all leave.  I remember eating a burger grilled on the beach that to this day was probably one of the best things I have ever tasted.  I remember staring into Rachel’s eyes like we haven’t since.  Our biggest problem was convincing everyone that we really did not want to buy weed (bus driver from the airport, corn row girls, other vacationers, the guy who swam up to us in the ocean who had the weed in a conch shell, etc.).

Above all else, I remember being warm.  I’m cold now.  I want to be warm again.

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