I wanted to lead you into this weekend with a lighthearted funny post that would keep you cracking up all weekend long. I wanted to give you a list of quotes from Trey, Bella, and Joe that would make you laugh again and again.
Well, we don’t always get what we want. A different topic is on my heart this morning. It’s the balancing act. Balancing our own emotions/actions in our parenting of Joe/Bella vs. Trey and balancing preparing Joe/Bella for what might come while not treating them unfairly. Allow me…
Little known fact. There is very little we can do about Trey’s overall condition. We get that. We have long since given up control over that and have surrendered it to God. We have no control. We have come to also surrender that Trey, whether it be his Warrior Spirit or something else, is hard to direct let alone control. So, we have to be careful so as not to “overcontrol” Joe and Bella. It seems sometimes that our lack of control over the one leaks out onto the others. No, we don’t consciously do that but I believe I have observed that in both of us. One of my “jobs” in these times is to ensure that Joe and Bella have a sense of normalcy as this battle with cancer within Trey is so highly waged. They face so much and so many emotions that the last thing they need is added pressure and control from Rachel and me. No, I’m not beating myself up. I’m just pointing out how emotions can leak from relationship to relationship.
Another one of my “jobs” is to bring Joe and Bella along with the disease. It would be totally unfair if all we said to them is, “Everything is fine” all the while it was not. Then, if the worst case scenario hits, they would be taken completely off guard and beyond rocked. Conversely, if it was all doom and gloom it would be pretty hard to just be a kid. Anger, fear, and guilt would rule the day every day in their world. So, we are left with a very delicate balancing act (“act”…an appropriate word).
Case in point. Yesterday (and many days like it) Trey wants to play in the basement with Joe. Joe, has no interest in playing down there with Trey. Eventually, Joe relents and goes down to give Trey some attention from his big brother. After, oh…I don’t know 2 minutes, Trey is screaming what he wants at Joe and Joe is talking down dismissively to Trey. I want to yell down to Joe, “Look, there very well be a time coming in the not so distant future where you are really going to feel bad about talking to him like this today. Do your best to suck it up, make a memory and enjoy this while it lasts.” That is not the best way to go about it. However, saying nothing could result in him remembering these days and feeling like a terrible brother to Trey, something he can do nothing about now (then). The guilt and self condemnation could be quite damaging. The same is true with Bella toward Trey except it is a good bit simpler. I try to keep her from killing him which would be the case no matter what his condition or diagnosis.
Balance. It is parenting for the now with an eye on later. It is treating each individual equally despite their different circumstances. That, is the topic for the day. In essence it’s something we all need to keep an eye on in all relationships, not just parenting. It is most likely quite impossible to perfect but cannot be allowed to go too far one way or the other.