**Disclaimer-many of you will think that this post is entirely about you, it is not. Some may think that it is all about me. Again, it is not. It is something that God has put on my heart on behalf of (sadly) many. This does not apply to Bella. She goes to sleep quickly and wakes up quickly and puts in a solid 9 hours every night.**
“‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.” Now THAT would be nice wouldn’t it? No, I’m not doing a 10 month and 1 week ’til Christmas post. THAT would be ridiculous (it will be here sooner than you think but I digress). Anyhow, I’m talking about the mood you feel as you read it. It’s a warm, cozy, feel that for some…most even, is downright unattainable. In reality, it probably reads something like, “‘Twas just another night. I can’t fall asleep, if I do I don’t stay asleep, do I have to pee, I just peed, ok, one more time, why didn’t they call me, how will I ever get this all done, what does the Zicka virus feel like, do deer ticks live in the winter, ok what do I HAVE to get done tomorrow and what would I LIKE to get done, is he/she snoring again, the baby cries, the 8 year old comes in the bedroom with a question, the 18 year old still isn’t home yet, that’s a normal sound outside right, I haven’t heard it before, are those footsteps, probably just an animal, I have 4 hours of sleep ahead of me if I could just fall asleep (or fall back asleep) right now, right now…RIGHT NOW, I’ll read a little bit (dozes off puts book down…immediately wide awake) he/she is still snoring, I hate them, how is my right side asleep when I am laying on my left side, can I actually feel the blood in my veins.” That’s more like the reality that a lot of people are facing.
Others yet have a very different nights sleep. It may be all of the above but it is tattered and shattered by grief/mourning. They think thoughts like, “I miss her/him so much, I hope he/she knew how much I cared, I am so tired, I wish someone would reach out to me, I’m so tired of people reaching out to me, why, what, how come, what now, how are we ever, when will I ever stop, am I addicted, am I depressed, why don’t I feel better when I pray, is there a God, I can’t believe I just asked if there was a God, where are you God, God please please please, (they then go over all of the things listed above then…), when will all of this be over, why did IT happen, I don’t want them to hear me cry, what does God want from/for me, how will He use it, am I being tested, am I being punished, am I making it out to be too much about me, still not sleeping, what I would give for 8 straight hours of sleep then again I would probably have one of “those” dreams again.” The battle through the night continues.
So you lay there. What should be the most peaceful/restful time ends up being a battle zone between your mind and your body. What should be a time of rest is a time when a days amount of suppressed thoughts come flooding into your consciousness. It’s a time when hurts become all too real. A time when memories become vivid and thoughts skew negative.
I surprisingly have very little so say in regards to this other than my heart breaks for you in these moments/hours. There are a thousand theories/tricks and solutions. I will tell you that attaching comfort to your grief is essential to any of it. Beyond that there are tools and various aids that can help one get some…some rest.
I just wanted to make sure that you all knew one thing. Like with everything else in life, you ARE NOT ALONE! These times in the middle of the night are horrific as much for the fact that you are sure that you are the only one awake in the entire world as they are for what your mind is fixated upon. Trust me, there are more people like you than you could ever imagine.
My hope and prayer is this. As you read this and identify with any of it, leave a comment detailing as such (even to the least extent). Then, ONE of the things you can do while your mind races and taunts you through the night is to focus on someone who commented. If you are the praying type you could talk to God on their behalf. You could also, rest assured (no pun intended or avoided) that someone that very moment could be/is praying for you.
I will be.