I stood before my father in his nursing room bed and looked at him sincerely. I asked, “Dad, do you need anything? Is there anything you want to say? Is there anything you want to get off of your chest?” He looked at me and began…
“Jay, I’ve made some mistakes. I’ve hurt you and lots of people. I guess everyone does but I’m sorry. I would hope that you can and have forgiven me. Know this, I am proud of you. I’m proud of each of my kids and their families. I don’t know how I could be so blessed to be called their grandfather and father. I appreciate you hanging in there with me. I appreciate you being here with me now. Go on, get out of here and get something done.”
I’m sorry. That’s what I would have loved for him to say. What he did say was this…
So, I can’t say I didn’t try. However, what he said was ok. Many times I think while I’m sitting with him that I should say something moving, passionate, timely, whatever. However, I am never lead to say anything more than idle chit chat. What we do is something else.
We sit there and say everything, except no one is talking. It’s called a nonversation. I may be there for an hour and a half and only talk about the most trivial things. We may talk for 5 out of 90 minutes…and that’s ok.
This is not just a guy thing. Years ago when I lived with my mom before I was married we would sit in her living room, eating dinner and watching tv. We would joke as we got up, having only sat there not talking the entire time and say, “It was really great talking with you.” We’d laugh and go clear our dishes.
When all is said and done and both of my parents are gone, I’m pretty sure they won’t remember any words I have said but rather the time I have spent.
This is true for most of us. Will we really remember the words people say (in a good way, the bad ones do remain) or those who have been with us through the good and bad? From Trey’s viewing I don’t really remember any one person’s words but rather everyone’s presence, their emotions, their being there WITH us.
It’s how we are meant to be. Here…together. We feel the need to add to that with magical words when our being speaks volumes. So, I will post this, and go be with my father. Well, after I go to Sam’s and get my car looked at but you get my drift.