I’ve mentioned it before. I’m just not so sure what we’re supposed to be grieving these days. Oh, I feel the need…the need to grieve (sorry…had to #topgun). I’ve written about how we are at peace with where Trey is and that he is not here. Yeah, the feelings and emotions surrounding the day he passed and subsequent days after are still there and pretty raw. Yet, it’s more than that. Much more.
I spend a lot of time thinking about this topic. One thing that hit me even this morning was the need to tell our story and grieve a lot of what happened throughout treatment. We wrote a lot about it then and many of you were instrumental in helping us get through those times. However, I believe (and you believe me, I could be wrong) that we were limited in fully grieving those times as we not only had to move on but had the overall reality of what we very well may be facing looming overhead at all times (again, at least for me).
As an example, any given CT or MRI…or MIBG scan was just another scan. Basically, it was part entertainment as he was hilarious due to the “calming” medication, part battle as he had to lay still for upwards of 1.5 hours, and part tearing apart of your heart as to how hard it was for him, and why he was there and had to go through all of this. However, because of the first two you…we couldn’t really “go there” for the third. There just wasn’t time or emotional margin. Also, another scan/test/procedure was always right around the corner.
Multiply that by the fact that there were endless waves of situations and things coming our way and you have a lot of feelings/fears/reality that just had to go by the wayside. There just wasn’t time to fully grieve all that we were experiencing.
Then…boom, it’s over. A flash of viewing and funeral and then ok, life goes on. Man, this makes so much sense to me, more so as I type this. So while we may have, at least to some degree, a sense of peace about where things are now there is much pain from “then” that needs to be addressed/comforted.
Now, while I say that it makes sense to me I have to also admit that I question myself and wonder if I am spending too much time “figuring this all out” and perhaps should just…move on. That perhaps I’m trying to gain control in an uncontrollable world by being able to understand all that is going on around…but more importantly within me. Perhaps. I will tell you this, I am not now, nor never have been in possession of a very good or solid black box for emotions. Others can seal the crap out of theirs and until it explodes (which is rare but inevitable) they are able to simply move forward. Not me, I’m much more a pile of emotional goo.
So then the question is how? When? Where? Well, on one hand we will continue to have that opportunity with our time at the Caring Place. On another, a lot of it comes from being intentional with Rachel and setting aside time to just remember…and grieve. It will be easier to go over “those” days that I speak of today rather than the more raw experiences at the end. Just looking at her sitting there CRUSHES me like never before. Other than that I believe that the Lord will direct me/us and give us the times and places to do that.
So, our docket is full. There is a lot, an awful lot. I won’t give in to the whispers that tell me I need to just move on. There are far too many small mouths and furrowed brows. I have to continue to raise the flag of comfort and healing. I know too much to believe anything else.